writing, life, philosophy
I’ve been having an amazing season of creativity. I think it’s primarily because I’ve been out of work and have so much more time, but I’m more interested in how I’ve been using this time and in my current mental state so that in the future I can replicate at least some parts of this creative season.
I think the thing that made the biggest difference was getting off my phone. I was off work and scrolling. I was spiraling because of how the layoff had happened (I knew it was coming, but the company made the whole experience really shitty which I might write about later if it’s ever resolved). I didn’t want to give this precious time I had off to the techno gods, since I assumed I would be going back to work soon (you poor, naive child). I’ve tried a few things over the last twelve months that didn’t stick, and finally decided enough was enough.
I completely blocked all the sites my brain finds addictive (honestly, just reddit and youtube). I’m using ScreenZen, and this took some tweaking. I blocked them initially with the default settings on the app, but my crazy brain and hands found out pretty quick it’s very easy to just disable the entire blocking mechanism. Now I’ve adjusted the settings so that the blocking mechanism has a 15 minute delay after I disable it before the websites can be accessed. I haven’t used them on my phone since. And I haven’t been in an emergency where I was required to find an answer on reddit that couldn’t be answered with information scraped from it with an AI. Yay?
This was honestly a breakthrough for me. I’d tried everything. I hated being addicted to my phone, constantly pulling it out every second my brain realized there was no input and fiercely needed something to tickle its synapses. It created a strong pick-up-phone-open-reddit response the moment I had nothing else going on. Commercial comes on? Phone. Waiting for your daughter to put on her shoes? Phone.
As if the compulsivity isn’t bad enough, the content I was viewing (violent videos of ICE kidnappings and beatings, horrible people saying horrible things and blowing up other countries, just average 2026 stuff) was severely affecting me. And it was constant. I could refresh my feed and there would be a fresh horror for me to get angry and upset about. It’s good to be informed. I really think images and videos are not necessary to be informed.
I’m a couple months into finally having those websites blocked. I can still access them on my computer, but I don’t carry my computer around in my pocket (thank God!!) and now my phone has become interesting only for talking to people I care about and identifying bird calls. My phone is finally allowed to be the best version of itself.
I still hate my phone though, honestly. I hate that I have to carry it around with me, that I have to be reachable all the time. That I can be wrapped up in a mountain reverie on a hike and then get a buzz for a text about my car insurance payment going through. But I’m picking it up way less often, I go down internet blackholes only once or twice a week now, and I feel freer. My mind feels less cluttered. I’ve written a whole month worth of blog posts. I’ve written five new poems as well this month that are the best I’ve ever written (which I can’t post here, unfortunately, if I ever want to submit them to journals). I feel like myself again. I feel creative. I’ve allowed myself to enter deep states of concentration while reading or thinking or writing. I can’t remember the last time that happened so consistently.
Now when I start looking at Reddit, it gives me the ick. Images and videos flashing by, yelling at me for attention, begging for me to engage, to get angry, to buy stuff. I still scroll on my computer once in a while, but it’s no longer enjoyable (honestly, it never was) and I’m able to pull away. The compulsion is gone. And I’ve lost my phone a few times and not noticed for hours at a time. That feels nice.
What have we been doing to ourselves? How did we get to the point where blocking websites feels equivalent to a transcendental mushroom-induced spiritual awakening?