life, philosophy
On Saturday I attended the No Kings protest which was exciting. I brought a painted parasol (rather a genius move. If I’m going to hold a sign, might as well let it block the sun) and then my roommate hosted a fun but very long party afterward. It was a full day, and Sunday didn’t let up. I had a girl scout hike and a kid’s birthday party to attend. I thought the hike through the woods would be restorative and restful, I even brought my notebook. I never cracked my notebook at any point. Let’s just say, it wasn’t a morning for contemplation, in the woods with all those girls.
I was feeling particularly drained and while I usually summon the usual polite small small talk from somewhere inside me, I barely made an effort. I said hello to a few moms, shook the hand of a dad who was joining us for the first time, and then we hiked. It was a narrow trail, and if I spaced myself out between the leading group and the lagging group, it was almost like walking alone, aside from the shrieks and wolf howls and giggles.
I want to emphatically state that I am pro-childhood craziness (and adulthood-craziness for that matter). I often join in, but didn’t have the energy. I’d much rather be howling with the children then asking every single mom how their spring break went and wow, yeah, can’t believe it’s almost April already, gee what a warm March, etc. etc.
I mostly didn’t talk to the other parents on the hike, and it was fine. I think I’ve slowly been receding into the background there as I bring a book to most events. Then at the birthday party, which was at a park, I set out a blanket a little ways away and read a book (fell asleep as well for twenty minutes, which is incredible as there was Kpop blaring from the speakers) and honestly didn’t speak to anyone except another mom to arrange a playdate for our kids.
This was also fine, apparently. No one cared, or if they did, there weren’t any consequences I could see. Perhaps the consequence of everyone thinking I’m standoffish and don’t want to be bothered, and they would be correct in that. I find those kind of proximity-only relationships very draining and I’ve decided it’s better that I save my energy for things that matter more to me than not seeming weird at a social gathering.
All my life I’ve forced myself to do uncomfortable things. A lot of those things are good for me—pushing myself to be a better writer or musician or parent. But I’ve made a conscious shift into evaluating whether something is worth doing and not just doing it for convention. Maybe I can step back from the parent social scene. I’ve never felt I fit in well there. I think it’s time to stop trying so hard and feeling constantly discouraged by this flavor of social situation. I can focus my limited energy into other social endeavors. -It feels pretty great to imagine blissful days absent of small talk and with a great deal more reading and napping.