Since leaving home, I’ve moved a bunch. Lived in different countries. Lived with roommates, a husband, a couple different intentional communities. I’ve lived in big cities. I’ve lived in suburbs. I’ve lived rurally on a mountain. I get an idea of what I think I need or want, and I go try it out. I find out what works for me and what doesn’t. I still haven’t quite figured out a perfect setup, though I’m generally content where I am right now. The benefits outweigh the drawbacks. My current setup is allowing me to do most of the things I want to do and is generally easeful. Which is a fine place to be for now.

But I wanted to talk about community living, which is something I was very excited about and now have complicated feelings about. I’ve lived with roommates most of my life and after I got divorced, decided to live in an ‘intentional community’ in a big city. An intentional community is more than just roommates living together—they’re people who come together not just to coexist but with a common goal or purpose. The mission of the place I lived was to create an intergenerational home for raising children together. In some ways, it was a really magical place. There were just under twenty people living there in a giant house together with about four children. (I’m using approximates because the numbers fluctuated from time to time as people moved in and out.) The kids had a playroom together and loved spending time together. It was a generally supportive environment for parenting and there were lots of childless adults living there who formed cool relationships with the kids. It was a unique and fulfilling experience for everyone. If my daughter had a choice, we would have stayed there forever, but ultimately I realized I couldn’t live there anymore and we moved after two years.

Living in community is hard, especially for a conflict-avoidant, people-pleaser, which I certainly was. (I’ve improved somewhat on those fronts, but it will always be part of my programming to be a peace maker and not a feather ruffler. Usually to my detriment.) There were so many conflicting needs and wants of the people living here. Everyone interpreted the vision a little differently. There were some strong personalities who wanted to impose their lifestyle preferences on others. I found the assuaging of fears/needs/relationships of others extremely taxing, and found myself many times on the hurt end of a relationship/house conflict. Another large piece of difficulty was our ability to make decisions as a community. We had regular meetings where we would make important decisions like where our communal groceries would come from and who would buy them, which of the candidates who applied did we want to allow to live with us, how were we going to change this policy or another to adapt to the needs of a changing population, etc. All decisions were made in unanimity, which made the process of making decisions very slow, or even impossible sometimes when anyone could veto at anytime.

Some of the things that made it lovely—casual interactions in common spaces like kitchens and living rooms—also made it feel overwhelming for me. You need home to be a refuge. But if you know there’s probably going to be someone in the kitchen and you don’t have the bandwidth for chitchat then you’re going to feel stuck. I was also sharing a room with a toddler because I could only afford one room, and that made it a little tricky for me. I didn’t have any real private, quiet space. I never felt like I could get my nervous system to calm down all the way and ultimately, I just couldn’t stay there anymore.

I don’t regret living there at all though. It was an incredible experience where I made so many friends, some whom I’m still so close to today, and I created so many wonderful memories. I needed community after my divorce and it was an incredible way to step into one with shared meals, movie nights, late-night chats, and jamming together on instruments. I learned a lot about myself, about relationships, about living with other human beings. I grew a lot. But growth is also painful, and being in a place where you are constantly stretched without rest is too hard to sustain long term.