I’ve been off work for a few months, and last week I got a short call that was supposed to last five days. It ended being only three because the job failed the utility company inspection… That first day back I was so worried I would have forgotten everything I knew about electrical and would be too tired or too weak or too girl to survive. But I made myself a huge mug of coffee at 5:30 AM, drove an hour to the job site, got to work on time, and survived the day. I even, get this, had a great time! It was the best day of work I’d had in well over six months. The last job really broke me mentally and physically. The crew was great, the work was relatively simple and meditative. It was a relief to know that other job was just a fluke and I still like being an electrician.
But I came home exhausted. Even doing simple work like installing wire molding, I was up and down ladders all day, holding heavy tools overhead, on my feet and kneeling and bending over a lot. I like using my body, but I also forgot how tiring it can be. Especially the commute as well. It’s all so draining, especially when I’m so used to quiet, daily walks in nature, reading or writing most of the day. When I got home I went right back to scrolling on my phone after all those habits I established to get off of it. My brain was too friend by the novelty of new people (who were really nice to me. Loved that crew.) and new place and new work and new new new everything. I clearly don’t deal well with change. The day after I got laid off I planned to hiking—the weather was perfect! But I just got total mental whiplash from the on-again, off-again work life. I bed rotted all that day. It’s frustrating to feel like I’d established a new routine and new habit and have them revert the moment I go back to ’normal’ schedule.
I know I need to be more patient with myself when experiencing change. It does take me a while to adjust. At some point I’ll have a job that lasts longer than three days, and I want the ability to bring all the beauty and peace that I’ve fostered into that new schedule. I hope it’s possible. These are the things that really make my life feel full, make my soul sing and feel like I don’t want for anything but a grass-covered mountain, a pen, and a notebook.
The good that did come out of all this was a poem I just wrote about that Michigan cabin I found during that dark spiral of trying to escape capitalism and normal life, so. I guess there’s that.